Every night for the last week I have had terrible self-harm urges. Terrible. I don’t know what is happening in my brain. The first few days I thought it was because I was talking to a lot of patients and that that had just sparked something for me but even the days like today when I barely had any patient interactions are still really uncomfortable.
Possible TW (self harm)
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Today was pretty anxiety provoking. I had to make phone calls to gather information on a new patient. The telephone is the one form of technology that I have not wholeheartedly embraced. I hate not being able to see the face of who I’m talking to. It makes me so uncomfortable. Luckily, one of the calls got me through to a voicemail and the other was to a social worker who, after hearing I was a social work student, was super helpful and informative. It was kind of cool because my supervisor has kind of put me in charge of coming up with this patient’s discharge plan. It’s exciting but so so scary. Now that I’m thinking about it I’m pretty sure I documented my conversation with that other social worker in the wrong part of the patient’s chart. I don’t care for this feeling but whatever, it’s documented and that’s what’s important. Plus, I’m learning. This is my 9th day. I think I’m doing pretty good.
I was supervised by the psychologist on my team this afternoon. That was fun! We did a family meeting for a psychosis assessment. That was super interesting. I don’t know a lot about psychosis. I know I find it interesting but I know next to nothing about psychosis in youth. I took notes for that interview and it was confusing. I didn’t know what was important, what wasn’t, what section of the form information should go in, etc. I did the best I could. The psychologist debriefed with me after and showed me where things should have gone and gave me some pointers for taking notes. I have to write out an actual summary note of the meeting tomorrow. I’m learning so much stuff and it’s awesome! I just wish I wasn’t so anxious during the day and so exhausted at night.
I’d like to pat myself on the back for riding out some pretty high urges to self-destruct for the last 6-7 hours or so. I feel like I’m getting really good at waiting out those periods of dysregulation and just accepting that I don’t feel so great but that it will eventually pass. Reviewing coping skills so often through placement has been really beneficial. It’s like I’ve replenished my coping toolbox. High-five me.
My motivation for course work has completely disappeared. I have a learning contract due tomorrow and so far I only have one thing I want to learn and I stole that from my placement learning contract, so I haven’t even come up with something original. My instructor kind of scares me and I don’t feel like I can do anything right so I’m scared to actually commit anything to paper. Also, why do I have to come up with this? What are you going to teach me in this course? That will be my learning plan. I can and will commit to learning what is going to be taught. I’m just going to sit down, go through the syllabus, and pull out things that I think I can stand to do a bit more learning around.
Unrelated to everything, I really want a kite. Every time I’ve been over in the park today there’s been kids flying kites. I want to do that. It’s so nice to watch.
Anonymous asked: Majoring social work currently considering double majoring but I just don't know what. Hoping you can give me some ideas that will complement my soon to be master's in SW.
I think one of the cool things about social work is that it can be complimented by so many things! It depends on what you’re interested in really. I know lots of people with sociology degrees, psychology degrees, political science degrees and labour studies degrees to go with their BSW. I’m sure there are a million other disciplines you could pair with your SW degree. I say pick something from your social work courses that interests you and you could see yourself using in the future. My first degree is in psychology and mental health and I want to work in mental health so it’s a good fit with my BSW. I know that’s not a really direct answer but I hope it helps!
I’ve been thinking about a very specific and frightening situation that may or may not happen in the fall. Odds are it won’t happen but I can’t stop thinking about the possibility. So, the thoughts go like this: Remember how he wanted to go to med school? Remember how he mentioned wanting to go to your school? When is he graduating? Shit, he should have graduated this year. What if he is coming to school in the fall? What if we are at the same school again? What if I see him? What if he tries to contact me? I better check in on him and see what’s going on. Oh right, I’m not “friends” with him on facebook anymore so I can’t see anything. This very situation was why I hadn’t unfriended him. What if he did get into med school? What if he becomes a doctor? Why didn’t I report him? If I had then maybe he couldn’t be a doctor and then he wouldn’t be able to work with sick or vulnerable people. He can do it to someone else because I did nothing. It took nothing to set him off. I wouldn’t be surprised if he assaulted someone else in some way. Maybe not. Maybe that was just a one two time thing. I have been told on more than one occasion by different people that I bring out the worst in them, because bad shit is always my fault. Bad “relationships” tend to occur during periods of extreme mood instability, maybe I was bringing out the worst in them. I’m so fucking glad I’m not like that anymore. It feels a lot safer to have that under control, or at least manageable most days. But seriously, what if he comes to my school? This school was my last pick because he said he wanted to go there. I’m super super glad I’m there now, but at the time, even though the program sounded great, it was my third choice because this could happen. I hadn’t thought about it since I accepted my offer but I’m definitely thinking about it now.
I don’t feel icky like I normally do when he makes a sudden appearance in a thought/dream I’m just angry and anxious and apparently still dealing with a lot guilt that I keep thinking I’ve worked through.
I just keep coming back to it. I can distract and get myself caught up in something else but I feel like I just keep drifting back to it. I’m feeling really anxious more often since my brain directed my attention to the fact that he could possibly re-enter my life. I might need to take my anxiety meds for a few days until I can process all this with my mental health doctor or therapist. It’s not like February-level anxiety where I was having panic attacks all the time, it’s just persistent low-level anxiety. It sucks.
Yesterday was a rough day for me at placement. I was really upset and was having a hard time managing my emotions around a particular patient interaction. Today was the opposite. My supervisor was away until 12, so I started at 8:30 like we do every day and I worked alone until lunch. I went to rounds, sat in on meetings, got new patient forms filled in, it was super productive. I got thrown in the deep end twice today and I learned that that is actually how I learn. I like to read and watch and then do because that’s how I learn with minimal anxiety, but this way I learned just as much but there is a short spike in anxiety that is followed by accomplishment fuelled adrenaline rush. I like that feeling. I got some really nice feedback from my supervisors and the psychiatrist on my team who kept me busy this morning. It feels good.
I had a supervision meeting today too. It went really well. We did the usual check-ins that we set up on my learning plan and then talked about AOP and the pressure we put on patients and family to sign consent forms. It makes me uncomfortable. I know why we push but I feel like we put patients, especially youth, in a position where it’s incredibly hard to say no. I got to talk about how I had a hard time yesterday and what it was that was so upsetting. So we talked BPD, sexual assault, and what it’s like for me to have that feeling of over identification with a patient. It was really helpful. I told them I’m not great at saying when I’m in some sort of distress so we talked about physical warning signs that they might see that could cue them to the fact that I’m having a hard time. We agreed on once daily check ins/debriefs initiated by one of my supervisors towards the end of the day and, if needed, more debriefing time initiated by me. I am so happy with my placement/supervisors/what I’m doing/everything right now.
