I’ve been trying to write this post for almost an hour and it isn’t coming out so here are the points that are rolling around in my head:
- I feel lost and like everything I am doing isn’t what I should be doing. Not that I want to be anywhere else, because that sounds terrifying because that would involve moving somewhere alone. Which brings me to…
- I don’t think I was supposed to live this long. So many of the problems I keep bumping up against are the same and only seem to reinforce for me that living to this age was not originally in the cards for me.
- I’m tired of feeling this external and internal pressure to be something. Be employed. Be in a relationship. Be happy. Be successful. Be something. What if I’m not this something amazing that my family has been saying I’m supposed to be? What if I’m just a huge disappointment (like I feel I have been up to this point)?
- I’m a shitty person to be around. It’s no wonder I’m single and have only a small handful of friends. My mood is intense and unpredictable. I swing from having the best time to wanting to throw myself in front of a bus in a few seconds and without warning. Why would anyone ever want to stay around for that?
- Recovery has caused too much weight gain. I can’t look at myself anymore. It’s no wonder I managed to break a bone in my foot. I just want to feel pretty, just once, because not once in the last 3 years have I felt that.
- I’m going to be out of medication in the next 9 days and I don’t think I am going to have the money to refill it.
- I wish my mood wasn’t so reactive.
- I don’t want to be alive and I don’t want to dump that truth bomb on anyone I know because no one I know should have that kind of weight put on them.
- I feel really lost and alone and unlovable and stupid and disgusting, but I know I will wake up in the morning, take a deep breath and put on a happy face for the world because that’s what everyone expects. Everyone expects the strong, happy, overcome-everything-girl that they’ve known for however long—and I’ll be that person because being that person, although painful at times, is less painful than letting people see the real me who is falling apart.
Ughhhhh, what I wouldn’t give to be able to handle emotions like a “normal” person.
Joy oh joy.
Can’t really walk and when I do it’s a painful, slow, hobbling limp.
I hate things, especially this pain and this unbearable heatwave.
I have been starving, STARVING, for 3 days. Just constantly hungry and constantly eating. I’m trying to be ok with it. Trying to be ok with listening to my body, but it’s hard. I feel like I’m eating way too much and it’s really messing with my head. I have a pulled tendon in my foot so I can’t walk or exercise or do anything to try and make myself feel a bit better body image wise. Ugh, body what are you even doing?
Trying to savour these last few days of feeling boredom before school starts and my personal life goes to hell, but I hate this feeling. I just start feeling so negative and impulsive. My teeth hurt from grinding them. Blerg.