I’ve been feeling a lot better since Saturday when I decided to get out of my funk. I got drinks with a friend starting the MSW program with me tomorrow. It was nice to have someone to have last-weekend-of-summer drinks with. Yesterday was also great, but less eventful. My roommate has this big abstract poster that’s a big coloring sheet so we spent all afternoon listening to music, drinking beer, and coloring. Today some friends are coming to spend the night before they leave for Montreal in the morning. I’ve done a ton of baking and prepping snacks so that I have things to take with me to classes and also so I have some vegan treats to send on the train with my friends. I feel good. I feel like it’s time for school to start.
Life is both Dark&HEAVY and light&Beautiful.
When researchers at the University of Toronto and the University of Washington observed young people’s behavior in bars, they found that the man’s aggressiveness didn’t match his level of intoxication. There was no relationship.
Instead, men targeted women who were intoxicated.
Woke up determined to get out of this funk. I dug myself into this place and I can drag myself out. Looking for people to go out tonight and do anything. Anyone reading this in Toronto and want to go do something with me? (That’s a serious inquiry). Cramps be damned, I will enjoy this day even if my uterus has decided to try and self-destruct.
After crying and drinking and venting my feelings to my blog and out loud to no one but my dog I had a great sleep and feel capable of actually doing something today. It’s a nice change.
Distraction can be a stupid way to cope. My entire night has been about distraction. Youtube videos, tumblr, facebook, doodling, reading, baking, checking email—all that did was make me feel unproductive on top of feeling like shit.
I tried to write a post earlier but for the first time ever didn’t feel like putting everything into words. I still don’t really feel like it but I’ve run out of things to read on the internet so I don’t know what else to do. I’m so deeply unsatisfied with life that I can’t handle it. I’m unsatisfied, restless, bored, frustrated, unmotivated…the list goes on. My recent need to isolate and cut myself off is only making those feelings worse. I’m completely terrified of ending up in another situation where I’m triggered and have a total meltdown like I did at my friend’s party. That was the first time that that’s happened in public and I am completely filled with an all consuming terror that it will happen again and I won’t have a friend there to help me out of it. I can honestly say that today I feel lonely and that feeling is my own doing.
If I’ve had anything pounded into my head in therapy, it’s this: Avoiding things only makes the anxiety worse. I know this. Not being able to walk well has given me a nice excuse to do nothing and stay in bed and not leave the apartment, but let’s be honest, I would have done that with the ability to walk. I know that at some point I have to go be around people. I know that if I want to quit feeling so shitty about myself I need to go out. If I want to quit feeling like a friendless loser I need to leave my apartment and go have fun. I know this. Actually doing it is another matter. Tomorrow’s another day.
When this happens and I retreat and make my world very small I am filled with so much anger. Anger at him for making my life harder than it needs to be. Anger at myself for letting it have such an influence. Anger at the world because something like that can happen. Anger that I can’t find any services to help me. Angry at everything because it’s so hard to talk about. Just angry at life. It’s not fucking fair. I did not ask for what happened to me to happen and yet I’m stuck living with the consequences of it. It’s not fucking fair that carrying around the stress and anxiety of this makes my neck hurt so bad that I can barely hold my head up. It’s not fucking fair that I feel broken and lonely and unlovable because of someone else’s fucked up actions. Nothing about this is fair. I really underestimated the effect that moving back here would have on me.
Well, that’s probably enough. I could go on at length about how boring I feel I am, how I’m pretty sure I’m going to die alone, or how I feel like I am in no way prepared to start a Masters program on Tuesday (all of these are weighing heavily on me), but that’s enough venting/complaining for one night.
I want to go out tmrw. Preferably where drinking n lesbian behavior occurs.
Time to make poor life choices
sighhhh feminism isn’t about hating all men and wanting to destroy them that’s just my own personal hobby